Listen

There are three instances in my life where the spirit has spoken to me so strongly and repeatedly that I knew I needed to listen. The first time was when Grandpa Loosli was going in for surgery and we were at a family home evening at Uncle Richards house. I felt the impression that I should hug Grandpa extra that night, tell him how much I loved him and sit near him and listen to him tell his stories. I listened to that prompting and gave him a big hug when I was time for us to leave. I told him how much I loved him. He went in for surgery that week and past away shortly thereafter. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so thankful that I took the time to tell him how much I loved him and to give him a big hug one last time.
The second time was when I was asked to go on a pioneer trek for our singles ward. It was during the summer, I really did not want to go. I kept going back and forth about my decision. I had a strong impression that I should go, it kept coming back and nudging me forward. I kept fighting it and trying to figure out a way to get out of it. Finally I rolled my eyes and accepted to be a parent for the trek.
On the pioneer trek was when I first met and talked to Mike. That meeting and experience led to us dating and eventually getting married, the best decision I ever made. Thank goodness I listened.
The third time was the last time that you and dad visited me and my family in Colorado together. I had a nagging feeling that I should take a lot of pictures, pictures of the kids with you and dad. It was also just before your birthday and I made them a cake. We had the kids sing to you and I took a picture of you and dad in front of your cake. I took pictures of you playing a board game with Sophie and teaching Kennedy had to hand sew the edges of a pillow. You had prepared a whole easter egg hunt for our family since we missed the one with everyone in Utah. I have pictures of you helping Finn find eggs in our yard.  I remember panicking when I had the impression to take those pictures and make the most of the visit, it took me back to when I felt that same way about Grandpa. I didn't want it to mean that something terrible was going to happen. I remember you feeling sick that trip and not eating much. You said your stomach had been bothering you and the doctors couldn't figure it out. I was worried about you. I am so thankful that I listened to the spirit. I'm grateful that I had that precious last visit from you at our home. I'm thankful that I captured some of those sweet moments of you with the kids.

Inevitable

Having a diagnosis that says you will die within a year does something to a person and to those around you.  As soon as I came to the house and saw you, you had already changed so much. You had lost weight but that wasn't the biggest change, you had lost hope. We all had.  I talked to you about why you took so long to tell us, you were diagnosed in April and didn't tell us until the end of June. You said that you didn't know what you were going to do and didn't want us to worry. You said that maybe you were waiting for a miracle but you didn't get your miracle. I think about that all the time.  When I hear about people having beat the odds for the particular type of cancer or going into remission I can't help but get a little upset, where was our miracle? Why did they get to live longer or beat cancer and you didn't? I don't wish those  other people a different outcome, I know that there is a reason that they are still here.  I know that one day I will know why it was that you had to go so early, what it was that you had to do.